| RLNN.US Submitted Humor |
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| PUNS 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a nonprophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. |
| PONDERISMS 1 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 3 Life is sexually transmitted. 4 Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?' 13 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 15 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 16 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? |
| Potatoes Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. And finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just....... A COMMONTATER... |
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| Biblical Questions In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative: Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan. James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :) |
| Liver and Cheese There was these three guys fighting over this beautiful woman. They were all fighting right, and so the woman said "whoever can make the best sentence out of liver and cheese that's the one I will marry!". So the first guy said "I like liver but I hate cheese". Then the second guy said "I hate liver but I like cheese". Then those two started fighting. Then the Cree said "Hey liver alone cheese mine!" |
| Sex And Good Grammar For all my grammatically correct friends. On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket o the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. |
| THE DRUNKEN MAN
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "'ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says "Grandpa--Go home!" |
| Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, You might live in Minnesota If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, You might live in Minnesota If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", You might live in Minnesota If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, You might live in Minnesota If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, You might live in Minnesota If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, You might live in Minnesota If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, You might live in Minnesota If you know how to say...Wayzata.. Mahtomedi.. Cloquet.. Edina.. and Shakopee, You might live in Minnesota If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, You might live in Minnesota If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend, You might live in Minnesota If you measure distance in hours, You might live in Minnesota If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once, You might live in Minnesota If you often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, You might live in Minnesota If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, You might live in Minnesota If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, You might live in Minnesota If you install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, You might live in Minnesota If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venisen, You might live in Minnesota If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them, You might live in Minnesota If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time, You might live in Minnesota If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, You might live in Minnesota If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, You might live in Minnesota If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and of course, road construction, You might live in Minnesota If you can identify a southern or eastern accent, You might live in Minnesota If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce, You might live in Minnesota If "Down South" to you means Iowa, You might live in Minnesota If you know "a brat" is something you eat, You might live in Minnesota If you find -10 degrees "a little chilly", You might live in Minnesota |
| Ole and Sven Poor old Stanley perished in a fire at the cabin and his body was burned pretty badly. The investigators needed to identify the body, so they turned to his two oldest pals, Ole and Sven. The three men were close. always hunted and fished together and were long time members of the same sportsmens club. Ole arrived at the morgue first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Ole said, 'Vell, his face is sorta burned up pretty bad. Think you could roll him over.'? The mortician did so on request and Ole said, 'Nope,no way. ain't Stanley ..' The mortician thought this was rather strange. Soon after Sven entered in to confirm the identity of the body. Sven looked over the body and said, "gosh", he's pretty well burnt up. can you turn him over?... 'The mortician did so again and Sven said, 'No sir, nope.. dont think it's Stanley .' The puzzled mortician now indeed asks, 'What can you tell from looking at his backside?' Sven said, 'Well see, Stanley had two assholes.'! 'What?Cmon? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, you betcha. very private about it. we never seen 'em, but alota folks used to say: There goes Stanley with them two assholes.' |
| Thoughts of a simpler time! How's This For Nostalgia? All the girls had ugly gym uniforms? It took three minutes for the TV to warm up? Nobody owned a purebred dog? When a quarter was a decent allowance? You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny? Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces? You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot? Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box? It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents? They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did it! When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady? No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked? Lying on your back in the grass with your friends? and saying things like, 'That cloud looks like a... '? Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger? And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today. When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home? Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat. . .as well as summers filled with bike rides, Hula Hoops, and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yeah, I remember that'? To remember what a Double Dog Dare is, read on. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care. Can you still remember Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow knows, Nellie Bell , Roy and Dale,Trigger and Buttermilk. How Many Of These Do You Remember? Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers. Newsreels before the movie. Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Yukon 2-601). Party lines. Peashooters. Hi-Fi's & 45 RPM records. 78 RPM records! Green Stamps. Mimeograph paper. The Fort Apache Play Set. Do You Remember a Time When Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'? Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, 'Do Over!'? 'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest? Catching The Fireflies Could Happily Occupy An Entire Evening? It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'? Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot? Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures? 'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense? Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles? The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team? War was a card game? Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle? Taking drugs meant orange - flavored chewable aspirin? Water balloons were the ultimate weapon? If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived! |
| Will I Live to see 80?
Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned fifty-five). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit? |
| All too true!! *** Adult Truths *** 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing. Heal the past, live the present, dream the future. Enjoy life!!! |
| Some Rez Humor You Have To Love Indian Women For their ability to play rez ball, take care of 20 kids (which only 4 are hers, 6 are her sisters, and the rest are gym rats), manage to make sandwiches, a bottle, and change a diaper, while at a tournament! For their ability to make a their HUD home look good For their ability to keep sweat pants fashionable no matter what the occasion For their ability to make that all-tourney T-shirt and shorts into the one and only Indian swimsuit For their ability to stay out Friday night at the casino playing slots and still hit the Saturday yard sales For their ability to give one look at their man and kids to shut them all up at the same time For their ability to somehow get her husband to ask for some money out of his own paycheck For their ability to show love for their family no matter what they've done in the past For their ability to say don't worry I got it and mean it! ***** You know your ex is rezzed out if: You broke up with him five years ago and he still tries to fight guys who you are just talking to He broke the windows on your car because he thought that your cousin who was cruising around with you was your new man When you called the cops on him they found him lighting a bon fire with all of your clothes He tries to pay you back by snagging on your cousins, sisters, and your best friend He blames his drinking binge on your break up He comes to your house drunker than hell trying to get back together with you then accuses you of sleeping with his best friend and his brother He tries to cause trouble by telling your new man that you and him were together and that you still love each other He tries to cause trouble by telling your new man that your pregnant with his baby Even a restraining order can't keep him away He makes his mom, grandma and sister come talk to you about dropping the charges He calls to reminisce about the good ol' days at 4am while his wife is 7 months pregnant! He drives by your house every morning to honk and wave at you and the kids, but he "never" visits He asks the kids if any other guys been at mommy's house lately He has his mom/dad/sisters tell you how unhappy he is because his wife can't do the things that you can, such as COOK He yells at your MOM to "stay out of your business" and to "let you make up your own mind" The only time you've seen him cry is when he's drunk telling you how much he loves you. Does this sound like anyone that you've snagged out or who has snagged you? Loving Indian Style- ***** How to tell if it's luv NDN style He adds you to his welfare cheque He'll buy Pampers for your baby, even if it ain't his He lets you give him hickies even when you've been together for more than 6 months He hawks his rifle to bail you out of the drunk tank after the neighbors called you in for chasing him down the street with a bat He calls you his wife after you've been together a whole month He tries his hardest not to check out any of your friends or cuzin's He'll hang onto your back pocket while walkin' round at the powwow or wal-mart He spends his whole firefighting check on you He tries to find a job, even when it's not fire season so he can buy you stuff He tells you that you have huckleberry eyes & frybread thighs! He'd rather you wear his championship jacket when you go out! He tells his mom that "your different then the last one" He tells you that he luvs you, even when he's sober and it's not payday! |
| Little Known Minnesota Facts
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters. Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye". The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind". The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 teenagers yapping away on cell phones. Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world". Avoid this city at all costs. "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason. Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing. Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul .. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives. The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!! Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it." Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. Was born in Newport , Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk. Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka , Minnesota , despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya! Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove , Minnesota , and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet". The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics. Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84. (Things like "the Vikings can't get their own web site cause they can't get 3 W's in a row" should be added to some of these MN facts!!) Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN, February 18-20, 2011 - Be there, aloha... |
| Kids have it easy these days... When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways yadda, yadda, yadda And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents! Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig? We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks! And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that! And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before! Regards, The Over 30 Crowd |
| LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly. 'OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit? |
| Educational E-Mails I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel for fear of the previous person never washed their hands. I can no longer have a lemon slice with my water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish. I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe. THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.. I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the wood spider and my hand will fall off. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . . Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. |
| Five Horses A man asked an American Indian what his wife's name was. He replied, "She's called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It's an old Indian name. It means .... NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! " |
| Heaven and Hell While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.." The moral of the story; always vote wisely... |